


Human Step

by AndyAO3



Series: Shepard of the Galaxy [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Feels, Humor, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Shepard Is Kind Of A Dumbass, Spoilers, all of the feels, and some fluff, somewhat described violence but not really?, whatever I'm bumping it up to mature now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:06:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3382589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyAO3/pseuds/AndyAO3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard has no family left except for the family he's chosen for himself. Damn right he's gonna cling to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. blues in the net

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been written almost in its entirety so far while listening to the Ghost In The Shell: Solid State Society and Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex OSTs. Its working title before this was a line from a Cowboy Bebop song before, though, so you could say I'm just on a bit of a Yoko Kanno kick in general atm.
> 
> THE FIRST CHAPTER HURTS THE DEEPEST. Okay the third might hurt a little too but I'll have more conclusive evidence for that when I've finished it.

Zach Shepard had wanted to _shoot_ that hologram; the Illusive Man could rot in hell until the heat-death of the universe and it _still_ wouldn't be a harsh enough punishment. The only thing stopping him from doing so just to let off a little steam had been the possibility of clipping Kaidan or Liara in the process.

Those Cerberus _bastards_. The hell was their angle? Controlling the Reapers? Bullshit. Even if it had a chance to work, there were too many ways it could backfire, and Shepard couldn't chance any of them. Wouldn't. Especially when he knew that all Cerberus wanted in the long run was for humanity to come out on top, like the bullies of the galaxy that the other races so often thought they were.

Shepard couldn't blame them. It wasn't like humanity had given them much of a reason to think otherwise.

Still, he tried to talk the Illusive Man down, because, _hell_. It wasn't like humanity could get any more screwed by the Reapers than it was, right? Might as well talk someone who claimed to be one of the human race's advocates into actually pitching in. It didn't work, of course, but he'd tried.

It didn't stop Doctor Eva, the Illusive Man's agent, from stealing a good chunk of the information they needed either.

Then he was running, chasing after the Cerberus infiltrator as she bolted and headed for the nearest airlock. He barely had enough time to put on his helmet and seal up his suit, alarms blaring and environmental indicators flashing red as the onboard VI registered the raging storm outside the complex; he should have noticed that she _hadn't_. Should've guessed from there that something was not right. Should've noticed when she _dodged_ his biotic charge only to leap onto a ladder nearby and keep going, that she was definitely not normal. But he didn't notice, and he was hard-pressed to keep up with her at the breakneck pace she set.

It was when she sidestepped one of his shotgun blasts, not a single bit of the white-hot shrapnel so much as grazing her, that he realized something was very wrong through his adrenaline-fueled haze.

But it was too late by then. He saw her shuttle coming for her, through the dust-choked gale-force winds that blew through through the gaps between the prefab buildings of the complex. He knew that he wouldn't reach her in time to stop her. Even with his biotics. His mind raced even as his lungs ached from his exertion. He shouted over the comm for backup as he fired another shot. That shot missed, and in the precious seconds it took for him to eject the steaming thermal clip from his gun and reach for a replacement, she was able to board her shuttle.

Shit. Shit shit _shit_. He fired again once a fresh clip was loaded, but he was too far by then, _way_ too far, for his shot to do more than graze the black-and-yellow Cerberus emblem on the shuttle's side. Then again, and again, shot after shot aimed at the receding shuttle, even after the clip was overheated and the gun's firing mechanism locked up on him to keep from exploding in his hands, reducing the noise from it to a series of pathetic little _click_ s.

He didn't stop until he felt something grab his arm, through his armor. " _Shepard_ ," Kaidan's voice said over the comm, into his earpiece. Worried. Tense. Holding back just as much anger as Shepard felt himself. He turned to look at the Major but couldn't see the man's expression through the darkened visor, the dust in the air.

Exhaling shakily, Shepard lowered his gun. Kaidan nodded once and let go of his arm. Liara wasn't too far off, having just caught up, herself. She squinted through the light show that was the result of the storm's dust colliding against her barriers, probably barely able to see a few feet in front of her.

Then something came in on the comm; static, mostly, but it sounded like... _James_. He was coming back with the shuttle. Right. They'd have to go back to the Normandy, track the Cerberus shuttle--

Even through his helmet's soundproofing, he could hear the collision of the sturdy Alliance-built Kodiak against the relatively flimsy Cerberus troop carrier. The shriek and growl of metal grinding against metal. Through the dust, he saw the sparks from the impact, and then he felt the shockwave of the resulting minor explosion even through his armor.

Instincts kicked in; his legs were moving before his mind had registered that getting out of the way was necessary. Kaidan was with him, even before he heard himself shouting " _get down"_ over the comms. Soldier's instincts. Instincts that Liara didn't have, even as Shadow Broker. She was a split second behind them, but still _behind_ them when the Cerberus shuttle crashed into the prefab building they were standing on. She was knocked off her feet, stumbling onto the hard and unforgiving surface of the rooftop with a gasp; Kaidan almost tripped, but didn't fall, and Shepard caught himself similarly before he had the chance to land on his ass.

As James landed the sputtering Kodiak inelegantly nearby, stepping out once the shuttle had been set down, Shepard felt a bit like grinning. With tactics like that, he couldn't help but be reminded of himself.

" _Normandy'_ s en route," James said, doing a belated double-check of his suit's seals. He sounded almost smug, if a little out of breath. "They'll be here soon."

"That was some, uh, creative flying there, Lieutenant," Shepard remarked. He glanced back towards the rest of his squad, and saw that Kaidan was helping Liara up, and the Cerberus shuttle had burst into magnesium-fueled flames. _Good_. Everyone was okay.

James puffed out his chest with pride, throwing Shepard what was possibly the sloppiest salute he'd ever seen. "Hah. You like that, Commander?"

"No room to complain. I'm worse." His experience in driving the Mako came to mind. "Next time, though, leave the crazy-ass stunts to me. Understood?"

The Lieutenant nodded. "Understood, sir." He still sounded like he was grinning.

Liara interrupted them. "We need that data." Though her voice betrayed nothing, Kaidan was still supporting much of her weight as she heavily favored one leg. Shepard was quietly glad that the Major was a competent field medic.

He opened his mouth, was about to say something like, _don't worry about it_ or _just get to the shuttle_ , but was stopped by a loud _clunk_. From the downed and burning Cerberus shuttle.

 _Clunk_. Again, louder.

Shepard's eyes narrowed, and Kaidan stopped midstep, turning his head. Another _clunk_. Then the groan and screech of warping metal. The door to the wrecked shuttle popped off like the cap off an old-fashioned bottle of beer, wrenched forcibly from its inoperable moorings, along with a few panels that had probably been flash-welded to it by heat and impact. And in the newly formed gaping hole in the Cerberus shuttle's side stood Doctor Eva Core, silhouetted by the flames.

No, not Doctor Eva Core. Clothes, skin, and hair had been burned away, and what was left behind was the soot-stained feminine shape of a decidedly metallic endostructure. An android.

Shepard stared, his thoughts grinding to a halt. And Kaidan - the good soldier, who hadn't spent almost a year out of action - drew his gun, pulled away from Liara, and started firing. Already calling up his omni-tool for a tech overload as he closed the distance. Already _thinking_ , when Shepard was still trying to get his head on straight.

The android shrugged off the bullets. Ran at Kaidan. Knocked his gun from his right hand, grabbed his left wrist and _wrenched_. Kaidan made a choked sound over the comm, a sound that made Shepard's breath catch in his throat, while the light of the omni-tool sputtered and died. By the time Kaidan tried and failed to summon up a biotic attack - by the time the android had snatched him up by his helmet and lifted him up off of his feet - Shepard was moving. Drawing his gun.

In that instant, the Prothean data was the farthest thing from his mind.

"Let him go!" he shouted, taking aim. He couldn't shoot. He might hit Kaidan. The android didn't even look at him. He saw her mouth something, but couldn't hear what she said over the storm.

Then she turned, Kaidan swinging in her grasp like a ragdoll as he struggled; the tightness formerly in Shepard's throat seized his chest in its vicelike grip. _No._

In the split second before she acted, Shepard screamed: _"NO!"_ And suddenly time had slowed almost to a standstill, dragging between each heartbeat that pounded in his ears, as she slammed Kaidan's head into the side of the downed shuttle and Shepard heard him cry out over the comm even through the static of the helmet's microphone being jarred.

The second time she did it, the comm unit in Kaidan's suit went out completely. After the third hit, Kaidan stopped struggling, going limp in her grasp. She let go of him, and he fell. Crumpled.

Lifeless.

 _No_.

Shepard didn't really do much _thinking_ in the handful of seconds that followed; he was too busy unloading an entire thermal clip into the android's torso. When it went down, twitching and sparking, Shepard's gun fell from his hands soon after. He couldn't make himself care about holstering it.

He had been a little bit glad when the man refused to join him on Horizon, even though there was no one he wanted at his side and _trusted_ more. Because, selfishly, he didn't think he could handle the thought of losing someone that important to him. There had been no gurantee that anyone would be coming back from the so-called suicide mission. And there on Mars, with the dusty wind howling around them and the Reapers or Cerberus surely onto their proverbial scent, he realized he'd been _right_ to think so.

Kaidan wasn't moving. Shepard couldn't even tell if he was _breathing_. Rushing to his side, Shepard put a hand on his shoulder to try and rouse him. Shook him, called his name. Nothing. _Shit._ A growing sense of panic gnawed at Shepard's awareness, making it hard to breathe. It felt like Akuze, or Mindoir, except _not_ , because this was Kaidan. Not his squad. Not his family. Someone he'd _chosen_ to trust. He'd chosen his friends. They hadn't been pushed on him by circumstance. They'd been a second family, one that he'd picked for himself. One of the few things he _did_ get to pick for himself.

And Kaidan was so much more than that. _So much more_. He didn't freeze, didn't run, didn't hide, didn't _hesitate_. The good soldier. Good man. Picking up slack whenever Shepard had any. All of the things Shepard had been terrible at, Kaidan was able to do. Things that slipped Shepard's notice? Kaidan was able to see them.

Just like Mindoir, he'd frozen. Just like Akuze, he'd hesitated. His mistakes.

"Shepard!" Liara called out, snapping him out of his thoughts. Making him realize where he was and what he'd been doing. Forcing him to regulate his breathing and refocus his senses. The panic receded, and left enough room for training and instinct to kick in.

There might still be time. He could still do _something_. Could still try to fix this.

His mistakes. His responsibility.

He pulled Kaidan's body over his shoulders, hefting the man's still form up with ease, and tried not to remember how much the Major had strained and protested against him when he'd done the same thing so long ago on Virmire. Then he barked an order at James to grab the ruined mech to bring it with them, vaguely remembering something about Prothean data and schematics for saving the galaxy.

The galaxy could hang, for all he cared at that moment. It had taken enough from him already; his family, his friends, even two years of his life. But he would _not_ let it take Kaidan. Not without one hell of a fight.

 


	2. beauty is within us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Shepard, drop everything to go and see Alenko in the hospital. It's not like the galaxy is in danger or anything. You're so hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys believe me if I said I've had these first two chapters done for a couple of days, and I've just been re-editing them repeatedly until I was satisfied?
> 
> Whatevs. Have at it. Chapter 2's more fluffy.

Kaidan smiled when Shepard entered the room, propped up by a mountain of pillows so that he was in an upright position in his hospital bed. "Hey, Shepard," he said, sounding tired but cheery, and Shepard had to smile back, trying not to look at the bruising, the IVs, the beeping monitors and machinery.

It was better than it had been the last time Shepard had visited, when Kaidan had been borderline comatose. Kept alive by machines and wrapped in a mess of tubes and lines, with doctors and nurses hovering over him. Shepard had wanted nothing more than to stay, but the council - the _galaxy_ \- had needed him. So he put on the mask of Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel, and went to Palaven as he'd been instructed.

Before he left, the last thing he'd done was kiss the top of the Major's battered head - gently, briefly, not daring to do more - and tell him not to die, _ordering_ him to fight. Hopefully, Kaidan wouldn't remember that. Or. Well. Hopefully he wouldn't remember _all_ of it. That'd make things weird. _More_ weird.

"Hey," Shepard said finally instead of voicing his actual thoughts, with a very tiny smile. Kaidan seemed to relax, and gestured to a chair with his uninjured hand; his left wrist was still in a cast. Shepard took said chair, set it so that it was facing away from Kaidan, and sat down backwards in it with a leg on either side and his arms folded against the back of it.

Something about that made Kaidan chuckle, but the chuckle brought a wince. " _Ow_ , don't make me laugh, damnit," he chided.

Shepard smirked. "You sound like Garrus." He paused, though, when a thought came to him. A crazy, wild thought.

Could he chance it? Would it make things more awkward? Would Kaidan tell him to go to hell?

Fuck it. Galaxy was ending. He was gonna go for it. "Look a hell of a lot better, though," he added once he'd made up his mind, smirking a little wider. _Yes_. He'd gotten through it without stumbling. Okay. Good.

Kaidan laughed, grimaced, then froze as he seemed to process just what Shepard had said. His brows lifted, and he shot his fellow biotic a quizzical look. Then he relaxed again, and his smile came back. "Heh. Yeah, well. I sure _hope_ so. Garrus looks even more like he's been through a meat grinder than you do, last I saw him. Uh. No offense."

That was a positive response. Right? At least neutral? Shit, it'd been years since Shepard had tried to flirt with anyone, and time and distance had made Kaidan in particular hard to read again. Didn't help that he had no idea where he stood with the man anymore. "None taken," he said quickly, smiling to show he wasn't offended. And he wasn't. Just distracted.

"Right. So..." Kaidan trailed off, giving him another appraising look. "How was Palaven?"

It was Shepard's turn to cringe. "Like Earth was. Except worse. No Turian is a civilian, remember?" He gave Kaidan a joyless smile. "They're all fighting. And the Reapers- well. What they can't use--"

"--they kill," Kaidan finished for him, nodding slowly. "Heard from Garrus?"

"Yeah, he's back. Didn't wanna leave, though."

"No one does. Leaving like that, it's. It's not easy. Feels too much like running away, y'know?"

No. Only kind of. Earth hadn't been home for Shepard. But he nodded anyway.

It wasn't really that much of a shock that Kaidan saw right through that. "I mean," he continued, settling down into the pillow-pile. Looking away, getting distant again. "I-- My dad. We've never really gotten along, but, I dunno if he got outta Vancouver with my mom, y'know? And there's no way to know. Not with things being so crazy. I can hope that, I dunno, maybe his Alliance training's kept them safe. But I'm not _there_."

"You wanna protect them yourself," Shepard said quietly. That much he could understand. He felt that way about his crew. Maybe it was compensation for the rest of his life. Cowering on Mindoir instead of using his biotics to defend his family, his friends. Panicking and hiding from that thresher maw on Akuze, clutching an overheated shotgun and watching the rest of his squad get slaughtered.

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. Somethin' like that." He fidgeted a little with his cast, the smile long gone. "So I sorta get where Garrus might be coming from." Even if Shepard didn't. That was what Kaidan was good for: understanding the things the Commander couldn't. But it also wasn't hard to see that he was hurting.

Shepard frowned, the room going quiet save for the beeping of medical equipment as he considered. It was hard to see the Major so down. So he shifted, reached out, and gently patted Kaidan's uninjured arm. "Hey. We'll win this, okay?"

A meaningless statement, really. There was no way to say whether it was true or not. Except it _had_ to be. There was no point otherwise. And even if it wasn't, he'd rather face death again knowing that he'd done everything he could.

It was silly and idealistic, and Kaidan was smart enough that he had to know that, but the statement got him to smile again anyway. "Hah. Yeah, okay. If you say so."

_There_. And that was what Shepard was fighting for, right there. Screw the Reapers, and Cerberus. They had to win. He'd promised. Commander Zach Shepard kept his promises. It was a matter of personal integrity, damnit.

He pulled his hand back before it could get awkward, but _not_ grinning like an idiot was difficult. "Okay."

After that, there was a companionable silence between them. A little awkward, but not tense. Not too bad. Honestly, Shepard enjoyed a little quiet sometimes. He wasn't exactly the kind of person to take time for himself often.

"...Shepard," Kaidan began, swallowing nervously. "Zach-- mind if I, uh, call you that?"

Shepard blinked. "Uh. No. Not at all." It was... Holy shit. He wasn't used to hearing his first name at _all_. Especially not in _that_ voice. Was he blushing? He really hoped he wasn't blushing too badly. Shit.

Kaidan smirked a little, and Shepard took that to mean that yes, he was probably blushing, and yes, it was that obvious. "Okay, well. _Zach._ " He said it deliberately then, like he was testing the sound of it. And maybe testing how Shepard reacted to the sound of it. "...I just wanted to say, I wasn't wrong about Cerberus--"

_You really, **really** weren't_ , Shepard thought.

"--but I was wrong about _you_." Kaidan looked up, met his eyes. So much sincerity and openness in that warm gaze. "And I'm sorry."

What? "Kaidan, no, it's--"

"Let me finish." The older biotic's tone was firm, commanding, though he didn't raise his voice. Shepard closed his mouth obediently, feeling silly in the face of it. "Back on Horizon, you reached out to me, and I shut you down."

"You had no reason to trust me," Shepard started to say, but Kaidan shook his head.

"No, no. You weren't just my commanding officer, before. You were my friend, too. You listened to whatever I had to say, you understood, and I trusted you."

Friends. _Better than hating me, I guess_. Quietly, Shepard gave Kaidan a slow nod to show that he understood.

"And _then_ , when you decided to make good on that, when you tried to get me to join up with you again, I threw it back in your face." The look Kaidan fixed him with was absolutely serious. "When you decided to trust _me_ , I dropped the ball. I let you down, and _that_... That was on me."

Shepard gawked. He hadn't expected anything like that. He'd forgiven Kaidan almost as soon as it had happened; he'd expected the other man to be asking _him_ for an apology. "I never blamed you," he said, his voice small and quiet.

"Yeah, well, maybe you should've. Might not have taken a brush with death for me to see it, if you had," Kaidan scolded, but it was gentle again. No less sincere, but... _god_ , Shepard didn't want to try and identify the emotions behind it. He didn't want to get his hopes up. It was enough that Kaidan was okay, and didn't hate him. "You're way too passive sometimes, Shepard."

Back to last names. That was okay. Shepard hadn't expected it to last. "That's a trap. If I agree with you, it's evidence you're right."

"You could disagree with me," the older biotic suggested. "It's not that hard. Everyone else does it all the time."

"I spend most of my time disagreeing with the rest of the galaxy. Maybe I just don't feel up to disagreeing with you."

"Or maybe you're just too much of big softie for your own good."

Shepard smirked a little. "Maybe I am."

"See, there you go. Doing it again." Seeming exasperated, Kaidan gestured to Shepard with his good hand. "How is someone like-- How do women _not_ fall for that?"

_Did he just catch himself before-- No._ _Don't get your hopes up, Shepard._ "Uh. I don't, um. Maybe they do? Maybe they don't? I don't know."

"...Shepard. You have been alone for. What? As long as I've known you?" Kaidan looked incredulous, particularly when Shepard responded with a shrug and a nod. Because he had been. "So either you're _that_ oblivious, or there's something I'm unaware of that turns people off, or you're doing it on _purpose_."

Shepard sank a little lower in his chair, glancing away and resting his head against his folded arms. And Kaidan, perceptive as always, got the message.

"Wow. Hah, okay. So you _are_ doing it on purpose. Good, I got a little worried for a second, there." Shepard rolled his eyes and huffed, sinking even further, and that just made Kaidan laugh. "Haha, no, hey, there's nothing wrong with it. Are you uh, I dunno, ace or something?"

" _What_?" The hell kind of question was that. "No." And then because Shepard _knew_ the inevitable question was coming, and because he was already blushing again and it probably couldn't get _worse_ , he added, "I'm pan. That kind of thing never really mattered to me, y'know? If I'm into someone, I'm into them."

Not something most people knew, or even something he frequently admitted, but he could understand people not getting that vibe from him if they weren't seeing it actively. It wasn't like he advertised it. He didn't go sleeping with anything that had a pulse, so the assumption that his sexuality fell into some kind of default category that made him obscenely picky was pretty common. Hell, a lot of people thought it was just because he was Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel; they couldn't connect that mental image to the thought of him being a human being with wants and needs.

They never would've guessed it was all because he'd been nursing a quiet crush on the same person for about three years.

Kaidan blinked for a second. Wait, was he looking a little pink, too? The lingering discoloration from the bruises made it hard to tell. "Seriously? Huh. Okay."

That was a better reaction than Shepard had thought it would be. Better than it could've been, at least. "What about you?" he asked, curious. Way back, he'd known Ash had her eye on Kaidan for a bit. He also seemed to vaguely remember Kaidan calling Liara cute when he was a Lieutenant, and adding the requisite If You're Into That Sorta Thing after his statement.

"Me? Oh, uh." And... _yes_. The Major was definitely a fun shade of red. He shifted, leaning on his good arm to scoot himself up a little on the bed. "I'm. I, uh. I really don't care. Bi, I guess." He was quick to speak up again before Shepard could respond, clearing his throat. "Seriously, though. Just uh, how many people have you turned down at this point?"

"...That's. A good question." How many _had_ Shepard turned down? He started counting mentally.

Kaidan gave him a bland look. "That many, huh."

"No!" Wait, no, that was a lie. "...maybe. Hang on. I'm counting."

"Cerberus didn't, y'know, impair your capabilities any when they rebuilt you, did they?"

"They _didn't_ ," Shepard said firmly. "...do people not in the crew count?"

"I think they still count as _people_ , Shepard. And, really? Crew members?"

"Why are you _surprised_ , you had to know about Liara."

"Yeah, well, at the time I thought it was just because you weren't into aliens."

"And then Jack, she thought I was-- but I _wasn't_. I was just being a decent person, but no, she's just that short on people who don't treat her like shit. I'm pretty sure Miranda was maybe doing it too since she's. She kept doing that." Shepard gestured uselessly with his hands, vaguely tracing the implied shape of a curvy woman's figure in midair. "That _thing_ with her ass where she'd stand over her desk and curve her back and I'd have to stare at the ceiling or out the window because I kept thinking her tits were going to fall out of her top if she pushed her chest out any further."

Kaidan snorted. He looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh. And because Shepard had not had the chance to rant about this sort of thing to _anyone_ , he continued. It actually felt kinda good, in fact.

"Then _Tali!_ She has this pout. She should weaponize it. The entirety of the Geth consensus would fall before the might of that pout. She was hard to turn down."

At that, Kaidan boggled. "You turned down _Tali_?"

"She's like a little sister to me, I can't just. _No_. I would not sleep with the little adorable alien girl just because she is little and adorable. She'd get sick just opening up her suit a little. _Anyway_. Then there's Samara and she's terrifying. I wasn't too scared of Morinth, but Samara? I trust her with the whole Justicar thing to not _actively_ do any backstabbing, but I don't trust her to not be insane. That's what her logic is. Insane."

"So, let me get this straight," Kaidan said, holding up his hand to indicate that Shepard pause for a moment in his rambling. "We're up to _five_. So far. Am I right?"

"Eight," Shepard corrected, holding up eight fingers. "Wait, no." One more finger was added. "Nine. Aria tried to give me one of her... hired. Uh. Tried to encourage--"

"Aria... T'loak? From Omega?" At Shepard's shrug, Kaidan got this incredulous look. "Aria T'loak. Rap sheet as long as the Traverse. Tried to get you to sleep with a prostitute."

"Said it looked like I could use someone to keep me warm?"

"And the other three?"

"Sha'ira, Gianna Parasini, and Shiala."

"...The Consort. Along with one of the most powerful women on Noveria. And the woman you did that meld thing with on Feros, like with Liara." Kaidan nodded slowly as he processed that information. "Uh-huh. Do I want to know _why_ , by the way?"

And, knowing he couldn't answer that without giving himself away more than he already had, Shepard cleared his throat, pushed himself up from the chair, and set it back where it had been when he'd gotten there. "I should... go."

He turned to leave. Started to, in fact. Kaidan's good hand taking hold of his wrist stopped him, though. "Hey," the man said, serious again. With the same seriousness in his eyes when Shepard turned to look at him.

Shepard smiled, trying not to let it show that he felt like his stomach was doing backflips. "Yeah, Kaidan?"

"We're good, right?" That _look_. He felt helpless, caught in it. There was nothing hard to interpret about it at all. Not for him. It said, _I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you._

Maybe it was stupid, but Shepard believed it. "Yeah." He moved his hand to take Kaidan's smaller one into his grasp (quietly marvelling at just how much longer his own fingers were, how big and awkward and badly proportioned he was in comparison) and gave it a light squeeze. "We're good."

Kaidan blinked, looking at his hand. Flexing his fingers, curling them around Shepard's. "Heh. Then... okay." He slowly pulled his hand back, and Shepard made no move to pursue him. Enough boundaries had been pushed already. "Yeah, I guess I'll see you around, Zach."

Zach Shepard nodded, and for once he let himself hope that maybe the one person he could trust enough be himself around - and _not_ have to be the famous Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel for - would actually be okay with him doing that. "Take care, Kaidan. Lemme know when they let you out."

"I will. And, Commander?" Kaidan's voice took on that hard tone again. The soldier voice, the I Am Your Ranking Officer voice. "Stay safe. That's an order."

Between the Reapers and Cerberus? Hah. Okay, sure. For Kaidan, he could probably manage that. "Will do, Major Alenko."

 


	3. to tell the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is a Responsible And Functioning Adult. And sometimes that means having to admit that you need an assist once in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO YOU HATE ME YET?
> 
> God. This one was hard to write. I mean, cathartic, yeah, but HARD. I've only done one proofread of the whole thing, and the first half of it or so got two proofreads on its own, so it might be sloppy. But I hope it flows okay. Feedback's appreciated.

He visited Kaidan a couple more times after that. The first time, it was just after he'd gone to save Grissom. Kaidan was looking significantly better; his eyes weren't bloodshot, most of his bruises were gone, and his hand had gone from needing a full cast to a simple brace on his wrist.

Udina had offered him a Spectre position. "It's a lot to live up to, Shepard," he said. "After you went and set the standard, well. I'm not sure I can top that."

"You're kidding, right?" Shepard grinned. "You're a better soldier than I am, and a better person. Always have been. Someone like you being a Spectre could go a long way in convincing the galaxy that we're not the bullies they think we are."

"Hah." Kaidan fidgeted with his wrist-brace, scratching at it idly with a self-depricating smirk. "Yeah, well, it's hard to see things that way when I'm the one stuck in a hospital, and you're the one saving the galaxy."

"Saving the galaxy isn't something that anyone can do alone. I always feel a little better when someone's got my back." Shepard put a hand on the Major's shoulder, gave it a pat. "And I feel a helluva lot better when it's _you_. I know you can do it, Kaidan."

"I... Thanks, Zach." Kaidan relaxed. "I'll think about it."

Shepard didn't think that he could be any more proud of the man than he was right then. Second human Spectre, huh? He couldn't think of anyone that would deserve it more. "So. Will they let you drink yet?"

"Y'know, that's a good question. I haven't asked..."

From there, the conversation wandered. They talked about Grissom; Kaidan wanted to know if it was as good a place for biotic kids as he'd heard it was. Shepard learned that Kaidan had been teaching a bunch of young biotics, himself. Training them. Kaidan probably would've liked Grissom. Probably would've liked Jack too. Too bad Shepard didn't get to bring him along.

"You can't see it, but I'm tied to this hospital bed by medical red tape," he said when Shepard brought it up. Shepard offered to spring him, but Kaidan declined. _Ah, well_.

Their respective biotics were discussed, and then they drifted onto the topic of implants. Shepard's experimental L5s that Cerberus had fitted him with had yet to give him trouble, aside from having to get used to the extra bit of kick that his biotics had as a result. Okay, maybe that gave him _some_ trouble, but it wasn't a bad kind of trouble. Nothing he couldn't handle without practice, which he'd had plenty of time for while under house arrest. Kaidan was fascinated, but loathe to get rid of the L2s he'd gotten used to.

"Yeah, I noticed you can Reave now," Shepard commented.

The older biotic chuckled. "You noticed that, huh?"

"I was impressed! The only other person I've met who could manage it that cleanly was a Justicar." And Samara'd had something like a thousand years to learn how. Even most Asari wouldn't bother.

Kaidan blushed. Mumbled something about some things getting better with age. Shepard responded that maybe _Kaidan_ had been the one to get better with age.

When Kaidan outright asked him if he was flirting, he would've been perfectly okay with admitting to it. On the spot, right there. But he was stopped by the other biotic laughing, shaking his head.

"Wait, wait. No. Don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion."

Shepard swallowed hard, suddenly nervous again. _He wants to think I'm flirting with him. He likes that idea._

_Shit._

Not long after that, Shepard excused himself, went back to the _Normandy_ , and took a nice, long, _cold_ shower.

\---

The next visit after that was just after Shepard had finished his work on Sur'kesh.

Technically he didn't _need_ to bring the _Normandy_ back for refuelling as often as he was. In fact, he'd frequently run the _Normandy_ 's fuel supplies down to nothing when she was still a Cerberus frigate, forcing EDI to dip into their unrefined eezo stores for an additional boost to get them back to one friendly system or another.

Back then, though, he hadn't been forcing the _Normandy_ past her limits to outrun Reapers at every turn, and he didn't want to have to swap the tanks over to reserves in the middle of being chased by a half dozen pissed-off Reapers at sub-light speeds (because you didn't jump to FTL in the middle of a system without a mass relay to provide a window; that had too much of a risk of smacking into something or flying through something unpleasant).

That was the excuse he gave Joker anyway. And in return, he got a skeptical look, a slow nod, and a disbelieving "uh-huh, right" that told him Joker knew he was bullshitting. Which he was. Because just as promised, Kaidan had sent a message saying what day he'd be free to leave the hospital, and like _hell_ Shepard was gonna miss it.

This time, he made a stop at Presidium before heading to the hospital to meet Kaidan. He got a six pack of the closest thing to Canadian lager that he could find (well that's not what it _actually_ was but he'd talked to Matriarch Aethyta about it and he trusted her judgement), in real glass bottles, and even remembered to spring for a bottle opener.

Not that he knew how to use a bottle opener, because colony kids didn't get luxuries like drinks that came in actual glass bottles with weird metal caps, but, hey. He'd gotten it. Gone were the days of forgetting to feed his fish and neglecting his hamster until Chakwas confiscated it. He was Commander Zach Motherfucking Shepard; he was a Responsible And Functional Adult and he was going to act like it. Or at least try to.

But when it came to the life of Commander Zach Motherfucking Shepard, making plans to do things was one matter. Actually following through on those plans was another entirely.

Hey, what could he say? Thane was there, right there in the lobby! He'd missed Thane a lot after they'd all parted ways. Though he'd never leaned on Thane very hard for missions, he'd trusted the assassin like a brother, almost. An older brother. Whom he could easily talk to about his concerns and fears when it came to the mission. And he even felt kinda protective of Kolyat, too, like he was the young drell's weird pink smooth-skinned adoptive uncle or something.

Was that weird? Thane didn't think so. "Your crew is your surrogate family, Shepard. It is understandable you would be protective of them and theirs." The drell's voice was rougher than Shepard remembered. If that was even possible. "But I am grateful for your concern, nonetheless. It is good to know Kolyat will have someone to whom he can turn when I am gone, should the need arise."

Gone. He didn't want to think about that. It was right up there with Mordin's short lifespan on the list of things he didn't like thinking about. "If there's anything you need, Thane, anything at all..."

"I have good doctors. Kolyat visits regularly." Thane's tone was gentle, and maybe a little knowing. "You worry too much over things you cannot change or control. Think instead of the things you can."

Yeah. Conversations with Thane always tended to go like that. He nodded, said his goodbyes. Thane didn't watch him go, instead looking out a window. Shepard had to admit that, considering the fact that Thane was dying of a horrible wasting illness, the drell looked surprisingly at peace with himself and his life. Not quite happy, but... content. That was a good word for it. It was nice to see. Good to know that at least _someone_ could be content with the way things were for them.

That wasn't the only distraction, however.

Doctor Michel caught him on the way into the inpatient ward, to talk to him about Garrus of all things. Two other doctors, a human woman and a salarian, were arguing over how triage worked (and didn't let it go until Shepard stepped in, because he hadn't survived that many warzones just to watch two academics turn casualties into number-crunching). He even took a minute to talk to an Alliance marine who was going to need an amputation, because shellshock was bad enough, but being told that you'd need to have something hacked off afterwards? God. Letting the attending physician scan him and show the poor guy the great Commander Shepard was practically nothing _but_ cybernetics was the least he could do.

When he got to Kaidan's room it was starting to get into the Citadel's night cycle. The Citadel had a longer day than the Normandy ran with, and it fucked with your average human's circadian rhythm. But its "night", with nothing but the nebula and the ward arms to look out at, kinda felt peaceful. One could almost ignore the chaos of the rest of the galaxy that went on beyond the mass relay. From what Shepard had seen, a lot of people did.

Shaking his head, Shepard stepped up to the door. Wondered if he should knock or something. He was late; for all he knew, Kaidan had left already while he was busy. His head was full of little _what if_ thoughts like that. What if Kaidan would be pissed at him for being late. What if he didn't like the gift Shepard had brought him (the bag clutched in his hand, plastic digging into the skin of his fingers from how long he'd been holding it). What if Kaidan decided he didn't have time for this kind of friendly-ish thing they had now that he was going to be a Spectre.

_What if I wait too long and lose my second chance? No, **third**_ _chance_.

Shepard took a deep breath, and hit the door's haptic interface. It slid open, and Kaidan startled at the sound, having been standing by the window. _Thank God._

"Shepard, hey." Kaidan's voice sounded relieved. He was smiling. He looked good; no wrist brace, no bruises, hair straightened out. He was wearing a basic Alliance uniform, but he still looked good. "Had me worried for a minute there. Started to think you weren't coming."

"Got distracted," Shepard admitted. "Y'know how it is. The usual. Seems like everywhere I go, there's something I can be doing to help people out."

"Hah. Yeah. Sounds like you." Maybe it was because he'd known the man for so long, but Shepard could see a little bit of nervousness to Kaidan's posture, the way he held himself. The older biotic's soft brown eyes couldn't seem to meet Shepard's for very long, darting around to look at anything but the Commander, and he was... well, he wasn't wringing his hands, exactly, but his hands weren't quite sitting still, either.

It was obvious. Sorta. To Shepard, anyway. And with a statement like that... "I hope so. Hate to think I was acting like someone not-me." Shepard kept his tone light, tried to show that he didn't take offense. Because he didn't. It was something he wondered about sometimes, himself.

But that didn't seem to bring any comfort to Kaidan. And it worried him when the man's brows furrowed even further, knotting more tightly together. "Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't make some things a little bit easier," Kaidan said.

Well. _That_ wasn't worrying at all. Shepard held up his gift uncertainly, setting the bag on the neatly made hospital bed. A little of the tension in Kaidan's body eased as he peered at it. "Got you a little something," Shepard said. "For the Spectre thing. And to celebrate you being all..." He gestured in the man's general direction. "...fixed up."

Kaidan came forward with a quizzical look, glancing at Shepard, then at the bag. But when he opened it up and saw what was inside, the way he lit up made everything worth it. "Hah! No way." He plucked the six pack out of the bag, looking it over with a huge grin. "Damn, Zach. You spoil me."

"Are you complaining? I can probably get Matriarch Aethyta to give me a refund." Okay. So maybe listening to the Matriarch _had_ been a good idea. He'd worried for a second that the woman would've given him some weird fizzy Asari shit that Kaidan wouldn't like. Which would suck, since this was doubling as an apology gift for not having the time to stick around for the whole Spectre induction ceremony deal.

But Kaidan shook his head quickly, dismissing the thought. "No, no. This is... hah, this is great." As he took out the bottle opener and went to pop the cap off of one of the bottles, he glanced up to give Shepard a curious look. "So how much did this set you back."

If he said nothing, it'd _technically_ be true, but... "I mmmayyy or may not have filed it under Spectre requisitions. Which!" Shepard held up a hand, stopping older biotic before he could be scolded. "Which. Is completely valid because I'm a Spectre, and you're _going_ to be a Spectre, and at this point the Council owes me, so if they have any complaints they can kindly take it up with EDI's spam message filter."

Kaidan just sighed, shook his head. "Sometimes I can't believe the things you get away with, Shepard," he said, the cap coming off of his chosen bottle with a satisfying _fssss_. When he took a sip, it was followed by a contented sound as he tipped his head back. " _Mm_. You can tell that Matriarch you got this from that, uh, that she did good, by the way."

"And how do you know I didn't pick it myself?" Shepard pouted. But it was all for show.

And Kaidan knew it. He lifted his eyebrows as he spoke around the bottle, his voice echoing just slightly against the inside of it when it hit the right tones. "You don't drink, Shepard. You told me once that last time you got hammered, it led to you getting your nose broken."

Wait. Kaidan remembered that? "I told you that three years ago while you were nursing a migraine outside Chora's Den." Hadn't he? That was a long-ass time ago.

The older biotic nodded. "Yeah. I know. One tends to remember the moments when a rare halfway decent CO actually gives a crap about the lowly LT with outdated implants. I mean, Ash cared, but she didn't really get it, y'know? You actually did that thing where you'd _notice_ I was seeing halos and looking kinda out of it. And we hadn't even known each other that long."

"Long enough. Chakwas had given me a heads-up beforehand." They didn't even have anyone else on call at the time for missions. He'd asked if there was anything he needed to know, and Chakwas had told him. From there he'd kept an eye on Kaidan to make sure the guy was okay. It hadn't really seemed like all that big of a deal to Shepard. "It meant that much to you?"

"Well... yeah, Zach, of course it did." Kaidan rubbed at the back of his neck where his amp port was, looking away again. Like he was embarassed. When he took another swig from the drink it looked like he was trying to hide a little of his expression with the neck of the bottle. "A lot of people, they don't know how to handle, uh, disabilities, I guess. They'll avoid you, or avoid the subject. They know enough to know that you don't want pity, but, aside from that? It just makes them uncomfortable. You... you weren't like that. With me and my L2 feedback, or with Joker and his osteogenesis imperfecta, or even Tali and her suit."

Shepard frowned a little. "I'd be a bad commander if I _did_ act like that." And hell if he didn't know what it was like for people to avoid him because they didn't know what to do with him. Like he was a walking proximity mine, just waiting to go off. Just because they'd read his psych profile. Knew how much bullshit he'd gone through not to get discharged, proving he was still good for active duty, because he didn't _have_ anything outside of his life with the Alliance.

A lot of people hadn't thought he was fit anymore after Akuze. He'd fought tooth and nail to not get an honorable discharge. A vanguard biotic with PTSD had a long way to go if they were going to prove that they were fit for a fight, and more still if their background before they were recruited already put their mental health into question. Until he'd proven otherwise, it'd been assumed that he'd be a liability to whatever team they put him on.

And he'd learned to hate the words _no one will blame you_. He knew better. He also knew that he would never say those words to someone else and think that they'd somehow be _comforting_ for that person to hear. He refused to treat anyone under his command like they were damaged or broken beyond repair. He knew what that was like.

Kaidan must have seen through him, realized what he wasn't saying. "You were never bad. You were the best commanding officer any of us ever had, and that's just plain fact. We followed you to hell and back because we trusted you. You were good to us." His voice was even, calm, but also firm. The look he was giving Shepard was so deliberate that it made the younger biotic stop and take stock of himself.

And, fuck, he was shaking. His hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists, and his jaw was starting to ache a little from the muscles in it having tensed so badly. He hadn't even realized. His own thoughts had just... done that to him. _Shit_. He let out a slow breath, let his muscles unwind, and nodded. "Yeah. I tried to be."

Sighing, Kaidan set down his drink and stepped up to close the last bit of distance between the two of them. Close enough to feel the shift in air pressure. Close enough to touch. Except Kaidan reached out first, putting his healed left hand on Shepard's shoulder. "You're good to us, Zach. Good to me."

_I almost got you killed. I got Ash killed. Then Jenkins before that, and my squad before that. And three hundred four thousand, nine hundred forty two people on Aratoht, just because I couldn't warn them in time._ That sick weight of guilt settled in Shepard's gut and wouldn't leave, memories tugging at his awareness and stretching him thin. The only thing keeping him from snapping back into them was Kaidan's hand on his shoulder. Holding him there. "I hesitated. You didn't." His voice had gotten weak, and his throat felt tight. "You wouldn't have been stuck in here if--" _If I were as good of a soldier as you were_ , he thought, but didn't say. Couldn't. He choked on the words.

"That's right," Kaidan said, absolutely sincere. "I wouldn't be here. I'd be dead. How many times have you pulled my ass out of the fire now?"

Some of the tightness in his throat eased, but not much. Not enough. "How many times was I the one that put your ass _in_ that fire?" he countered. Weakly.

Ash on the radio, telling him to go back for Kaidan (" _you know it's the right choice, LT")_. A terribly calm synthesized voice reading out the death toll, flashing in simple white numbers on a screen as his hand hovered over the button ( _304,942_ ). Kaidan's little gasp over the comm as the android hefted him up by his helmet ( _checking his pulse in the shuttle once the passenger compartment was pressurized, feeling the intermittent fluttering of a heartbeat under gloved fingertips, oh god don't let him die too)._

The Major shook his head. "You took a lot of those hits so we wouldn't have to. Hell, you _died_ for us, Zach. Or at least came pretty damn close."

Shepard remembered. He could almost feel it again. Like it had just happened, like he was just there. He hadn't screamed. He'd remembered his training. The cold, clinical descriptions of decompression and loss of suit pressure. Fifteen seconds of consciousness, if you're lucky. _Fifteen seconds of hell_.

Lack of air pressure and the surface fluids start to boil at practically room temperature; eyes, mouth, the sweat inside your helmet. Exhale upon depressurization or you'll collapse a lung. Explosive decompression is a myth, made to scare cadets shitless. Your skin keeps everything in. _Doesn't keep it from feeling like you're about to pop like a balloon while your face is boiling off._ He hadn't screamed. He couldn't have if he'd tried.

_Shepard!_ he heard. Distantly. Like he was underwater. Kaidan? Kaidan had gotten away. He'd made sure.

" _Zach!_ Damnit, look at me!" He was snapped back to reality by a firm grip on his shoulders; the first thing he registered was warm brown eyes, full of concern and a little panic. Kaidan was only about a dozen centimeters away. His hands had such a tight grip on Shepard's shoulders that it almost hurt. _Almost_. Shepard had a high pain tolerance these days. "You're hyperventilating. _Calm down_." His tone was that of a superior officer giving orders.

One soldier to another. Somehow, it worked a little. He focused his thoughts, concentrated on steadying his breathing and slowing his heartrate. "Sorry," he said. Whispered, more like. He was so ungainly and huge but he felt so _small_ right then. Tiny. Couldn't help anyone or stop anything. Couldn't even get in control of his own head, could he?

Kaidan's expression shifted from surprised, to confused, to annoyed in the span of a few seconds. He made a sound like a frustrated growl. Then he reached up and pulled Shepard down into his arms in a tight hug. Pressed his face into Shepard's N7 hoodie, where neck met shoulder and the hood bunched up. He sighed with something like irritation, shaking his head against Shepard's neck. And just... held him.

At first, Shepard froze. He didn't do hugs well. He'd hugged Tali once, when she'd needed it; grief was something he understood, after all. Then a quick embrace from Liara during the whole Collector thing, which had been brief and still fairly impersonal. But this? This was new.

"Don't scare me like that," Kaidan mumbled. Then he understood. This was as much for Kaidan as it was for him. It wouldn't be selfish to let it happen.

It was okay.

_Just this once_ , he thought as he let himself cling to Kaidan, burying his face in the older biotic's hair as he squeezed his eyes shut and quietly shook with the weight of everything his life had made him, allowing himself for just once in his life to simply be _Zach_. And Kaidan, who seemed to get that he was the only one allowed to see that side of the commander, held him until he'd stopped trembling and was able to face the universe again as its savior.

Kaidan didn't ask if he was okay when he left to return to the _Normandy_ ; they both knew he wasn't. But he was closer to okay than he'd been in a long time, and that was definitely something.

"Take care, Zach," Kaidan said.

 


	4. know your enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rough week ends with an even rougher day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be even LONGER, but I ended up chopping the chapter in half because the last segment was literally the length of the other three segments combined. I'm going to take that final segment and roll it into the next chapter, which will probably be the final one that ties into Sanity Check (and then I'm gonna do some minor edits to Sanity Check for consistency before I continue that one).
> 
> I'm gonna edit the tags again and bump it up to mature, because mentions of character death.

_Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong._

_Would've liked to run tests on the seashells..._

\---

Shepard woke with a start to the sound of his alarm, cold sweat causing the scratchy military-grade sheets stick uncomfortably to his body. He forcibly evened out his breathing as he reached for the haptic control that would turn off his alarm, going through old mental exercises to calm himself and steady his heartrate.

That had become as much a part of his morning routine as showering, shaving, and getting dressed were. It wasn't the kind of thing you'd get used to. More resigned to it than anything.

He found himself whistling a cheery tune from his head as he stepped out of the shower, gesturing in midair as if he were playing an imaginary keyboard along to the notes. A glance in the mirror as he was towelling off told him that his skin grafts were starting to crack at the edges again, rough geometric shapes created by the creases. It was at its worst along his jaw on the left side, the intersecting lines turning his daily morning shave into a challenge. Though, he'd never quite been able to get the ones on his forehead to heal right, and the ones over his ribs tended to give him some trouble at times, too.

It was weird, but he took a little pride in the deep scar that ran across his nose and onto his right cheek. It was one of the few he had that was natural, and not a result of grafts and cybernetics. He'd gotten it for the usual reasons on a routine mission - his barriers had been down, and a shot had grazed him while he was trying to reload his shotgun - but he hadn't let Chakwas fix it afterward. To him, it felt like proof that he was human.

He hadn't let her fix the grafts either. They were a reminder that he was mortal.

The last thing he did before pulling on his clothes was set his Serrice Council amp into place, shuddering at the slight jolt as it connected to his implants. When he was younger, he wouldn't have bothered take it out at all, but it hadn't been long after Eden Prime that he'd found out the hard way what happens when one mixes nightmares with biotics. With the L5n implants, he didn't want to take any chances. Joker would kill him if he blew a hole in the ship; at least without the amp, all he could do was make a mess of his cabin.

Tugging on his hoodie as he dragged himself into the elevator, he wondered if Mordin would've liked Kaidan. If Kaidan would've liked Mordin. Maybe the old Salarian would've been able to do something about Kaidan's L2s. Maybe they would've talked shop about tech attacks and respective strategies. Maybe Mordin would've pestered Kaidan about whether or not humans have two livers. Maybe Kaidan would've learned a few things about how to be a better field medic. Maybe maybe maybe.

Shepard was humming when he walked into the CIC, giving Samantha a wave without looking up as he called up his mail at his private terminal next to the galaxy map.

"Is that Gilbert and Sullivan?" she asked after a moment.

_("My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist Salarian...")_

"Maybe," he answered, still looking over his messages.

Samantha snickered. "Good to see you're in a better mood than yesterday, then."

Mordin would've explained it as trying to counter a grim situation with levity. Mordin would offer to provide him with a sedative, remembered that sedatives tend to not work due to Shepard's enhanced physiology, and quickly amended his offer to one of stimulants. Mordin would have woken Joker up in the middle of the night to ask if humans can regrow their livers, and left Shepard with a cranky sleep-deprived pilot to deal with.

Now Mordin Solus was just another name on the memorial wall on deck three.

( _"Shepard. How can I help?"_ )

"Anything to report, Traynor?" Shepard asked, rubbing his neck. His amp port itched.

"The Salarian Councillor left a message," she said, gesturing to the corridor that led to the war and conference rooms. "Says it's important, but can't be discussed over an unsecured channel."

He snorted at that. "Probably annoyed that I let Mordin cure the genophage." _And let him die doing it._ "Back to the Citadel to get chewed out by the Council, I guess."

"Yes, sir."

\---

Shepard was _pissed._

He had known something was wrong when they tried to raise the Citadel docks on the comm and gotten no response. When they'd landed, there had been an entire team of Cerberus troops waiting for them to step out into the open.

Liara set out a biotic singularity in the middle of them; Shepard had charged into it and overloaded his barriers to slam them with an energy nova that combined with the dark energy from the singularity for one hell of a shockwave. Both the troops and the various potted plants and shipping containers they'd tried to hide behind were knocked aside, and as the last few goons went down in a combination of assault rifle fire from James and Shepard's shotgun blasts, he knew that they were in for more than just their usual Citadel field trip.

They met Bailey at the smoking ruin that had once been Citadel Security HQ, shot in the gut and spitting a string of curses. Security vid footage told them that the Cerberus attack had begun as an inside job, with agents working at C-Sec in seemingly innocuous positions, and setting things in motion by shooting co-workers in the back and disabling every security measure they had access to. That had opened the floodgates for Cerberus to send troop carriers in.

Shepard, Liara, and James all continued to make their way through the back alleys and ducts of the Citadel, making up for lost time by taking shortcuts, while Bailey guided them by omni-tool nav point and comms from a terminal back at C-Sec. They found the Turian Executor dead in a pool of his own blood, along with a few guards. Not too far off, they found the Salarian Councillor, thankfully still alive.

That was also when they met Kai Leng.

They didn't know his name at that point. Shepard found it a little weird that his principle weapon was a retractable sword. Didn't most people use omni-blades these days? Small and slight of build, the man bore the obvious hallmarks of cybernetic augmentation; more obvious than Shepard's, because it didn't seem like any cosmetic work had been done to hide it. Shepard had the strangest thought while looking at the guy that Kasumi would like that dark assassin-y aesthetic he had going on.

He put his knife to the Salarian Councillor's gut, while the Councillor quickly babbled that Udina was behind the entire coup, setting everyone up. Preparing to hand the rest of the Council over to Cerberus. Serious charges. The Councillor had to know _how_ serious. Shepard believed it.

The assassin kept the Councillor between himself and Shepard's aim, but he didn't account for Thane sneaking up behind him.

The Drell started firing, started fighting. Like he wasn't dying of drowning in his own fluids. It was all the Cerberus assassin could do to just keep up, even if the shots merely pinged harmlessly off of his armor; Shepard and James stepped up to keep the Councillor safe while Liara guided him to a duct to get away in, and Thane was the one to provide them with that chance. Between them, both Thane's and the assassin's movements were practically a blur, and it was a challenge for Shepard's eyes to keep up, let alone allow him a chance to shoot without clipping Thane in the process.

Thane was disarmed, his gun knocked aside, but he didn't let that stop him, continuing the fight with CQC and biotics. His strikes were quick and precise, and he mad the assassin's swift jabs and slices with the sword seem clumsy and inelegant in comparison. But Thane was sick, having lived three months longer than his doctors had anticipated he would. He had limits, and he was quickly reaching them.

He flagged, hesitating just a second too long before his next strike. The assassin moved in at exactly the right moment when his guard was down. There was the sick sound of cold steel slicing through flesh, and Thane went down in a spray of black blood. _So much blood._

The calmly rational part of Shepard's mind (which was quickly dwindling as it was pushed aside in favor of cold fury) reminded him that this was an opening, and he started firing. So did James, with an angry mutter of "you son of a _bitch_ " as he let go of a stream of assault rifle fire. It pinged off the assassin's armor, but it wasn't quite as useless as Thane's unmodded pistol had been, the shotgun and the assault rifle both cutting into the assassin's shield and digging into his armor.

The assassin snarled, and ran. Shepard sprinted after him, ejecting his thermal clip and slapping in another as he went. When the man took a running leap off of the edge of the Presidium, landing neatly on a waiting shuttle, Shepard emptied his clip into the side of that shuttle, peppering the side of it with smoking holes from the incendiary rounds. It still flew away. Shepard bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to taste blood, just to give himself something to focus on that wasn't his anger; he distantly heard James growling obscenities behind him in Spanish, through the ringing in his ears.

That bastard had stabbed Thane. Cerberus was gonna pay for that.

\---

"Shepard, what's going on?"

Kaidan was pointing a gun at him. Standing between him and Udina. No, him and the Council; the Asari and Turian Councillors were there, too. _Always the better soldier_. Second human Spectre, just doing his job. Protecting the very Council that had appointed him in the first place. Udina must have known that Shepard would have a hard time cutting Kaidan down; that was probably why he'd pushed for Kaidan to become a Spectre in the first place.

"Shepard's blocking our escape! He's with Cerberus!" Udina sneered, his expression twisting with distaste. _Of course_. Because he couldn't be honest with Kaidan and still expect him to follow.

Kaidan's brows furrowed more tightly, shifting his stance a little. His grip on his pistol was firm and steady. "Just, hang on!" he snapped. Confused. Hurt. "I got this. Everyone calm down." The look he gave Shepard was almost pleading. _Give me a reason not to do this,_ it said.

Shepard lowered his own gun. "Kaidan, it's Udina. He started this and now he's using you."

"C'mon, Shepard..." Kaidan said. "Gun drawn on a Councillor? Kinda looks bad."

Yeah. He couldn't point a gun at Kaidan anyway. Holstering his shotgun, he gestured for Liara and James to do the same.

James was reluctant. "Commander, are you sure about this--"

"Stand _down_ , Lieutenant," Shepard barked, glancing back. James held up one hand in a gesture of surrender as he put away his assault rifle. Turning back to Kaidan, Shepard held up his own hands. "There. See? No guns."

Kaidan nodded, still wary. Shepard didn't need a gun to do damage, but he couldn't exactly charge through Kaidan, and the older biotic knew it.

"Cerberus has been on our asses the whole way up. Udina is going to hand the Council right over to them." Was that reason enough? Shit. "Trust me." _Please_.

The Major gave Shepard a long, hard look, the muscles in his jaw tense.

Udina growled. "We're wasting time. I'm overriding the lock." He stormed over to a nearby console.

"I better not regret this," Kaidan said quietly, eyeing Shepard.

"You won't," Shepard replied.

Kaidan turned, aiming his pistol at Udina. "Councillor Udina, step away from the console."

Udina disregarded the Major's command, and the Asari Councillor narrowed her eyes at him. "We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it has gotten us nowhere." She stepped up to try and stop Udina; he whipped around and hit her with a backhanded slap, knocking her to the ground.

She started to get back up, and he pulled out a gun of his own.

_Shit_.

Shepard's mind raced. He started reaching for his shotgun again, but he knew he would be too slow. Biotics might work, but they would lead to collateral; even his charge had a bit of a shockwave to it from air displacement.

The sound of a shot being fired cut through the air. _Kaidan_. For a second it felt to Shepard like his heart had stopped.

Udina fell to the ground in front of the console in a boneless heap, a red stain blossoming on his high-class coat, and Shepard let himself breathe again. Not a marksman, but at this range, Kaidan couldn't miss. And the Major had always been quick on the draw. _The better soldier_.

Who had just killed one of his superiors. _Shit._ Shepard knew better than to think that would have been easy. What fury remained melted away in favor of concern.

He cleared his throat. "Kaidan?"

The Major turned, sucking in a sharp breath and letting it out nice and slow. "I'm okay," he said with a little nod. And he was. Shaken, but okay.

Seconds later, someone started cutting through the door; everyone with guns drew them once again. When it was Bailey that came through with a bunch of rattled-looking C-Sec officers, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. Bailey confirmed his story for the terrified Councillors; said that the remaining Cerberus forces had fled. It was probably the best news any of them had heard all day.

Leaving Bailey to deal with the particulars, Shepard turned to walk over and put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. Kaidan jerked at the contact, but relaxed when he saw who it was. He looked exhausted. Not quite shaking, but not necessarily all right, either. He'd always been more reserved, better at holding his emotions in until later.

"Helluva day, huh?" Shepard said.

Kaidan smiled weakly. "Yeah."


	5. what's it for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds something worth holding onto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's probably going to be one more chapter after this, but I'll write it when I'm not feeling braindead. I know I said this one would probably be the last one, but I went a little overboard on length, and I feel like y'all deserve something for the wait. <3 This was only barely proofread, though.

By the time Shepard got back to where the Normandy was docked, he was about ready to just collapse. Things were quieting down again, although a good chunk of the Presidium was still in shambles. He hadn't had time to change out of his armor, instead going right to see Thane. And he and Kolyat had watched as Thane died in a hospital bed, too weak from his illness to survive his wounds.

His last act had been to say a prayer for Shepard, so that his old Commander might be redeemed. Shepard couldn't say that he necessarily deserved it, but he'd try to live up to the sentiment. Try to live up to Thane's idea of who he was.

Thane had always been able to see things in others that Shepard had never been able to see, himself. Seen the wonder and beauty of the world, but also understood the pain it could bring. Thane would have told him that, too often, people forget how little time they may have, and that appreciation for the good things was all the more necessary when events took a turn for the worst.

( _"This was to be my last mission."_ )

_Another name on the memorial wall._ How many more friends was he going to lose?

His feet were dragging when he got to the airlock, but he still had enough energy to be surprised when he saw Kaidan there, dressed in his standard Alliance uniform, just a few steps from the door. Leaned against the wall with his arms folded, looking thoughtful.

"Kaidan?" _Was he waiting for me?_

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," Kaidan said, frowning. That frown didn't look promising.

Even in his armor, Shepard felt a little vulnerable under the older biotic's stare. "Uh-oh. All right. Let's hear it."

Kaidan snorted, shook his head. "It's not _that_ bad. I'm not mad at you, exactly."

"I dunno. You're giving me a pretty intense look."

"It's not every day you're staring down the barrel of a gun at someone you thought had your back, Shepard."

Shepard swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. "No shots got fired. That's all that matters."

That was apparently the wrong thing to say. Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "Sometimes the way a thing goes down _does_ matter, Shepard. Afterwards, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing you acted with integrity... _then_ it matters."

He was right. Like always. "Yeah." There wasn't a thing Shepard could say to that, because it was true. Every damn day of his life.

Kaidan sighed. Stepped away from the wall, let his arms fall to his sides. He wasn't quite looking Shepard in the eye, then. "I just... I feel like if I hadn't backed down, you would've taken me out."

_No_. "But you _did_ back down." He felt sick. The day was taking its toll and he just wanted to lay down. Then, in a couple days, the _Normandy_ would be restocked and refuelled, ready once again to go and save the galaxy. He would leave.

"And if I _hadn't_ , would you have been able to take the shot? Do what was necessary?"

Shepard let out a shaky breath. His voice was small and quiet when he spoke again. "...No."

Some of the tension left Kaidan's posture, and his look softened a little. He didn't look happy, but he didn't look like he was about to lash out, either. "Why _did_ you pick me back on Virmire?"

( _"You know it's the right choice, LT."_ )

"I told you not to ask me that," Shepard said weakly.

"I thought you'd open up about it, eventually. It's been three years, Shepard." Kaidan took a step closer. "Why'd you save me?"

He could lie. Say it was because Kaidan was a step closer, or because the way had already been clear. He could say it was because Kaidan was more of an asset to the squad, or because he wanted to keep the team balanced. He could even tell Kaidan to just drop it and leave it alone.

He wasn't going to do any of that, though. He'd just lost Mordin, and Thane. He was _tired_ , and he wanted to stop having to run away.

"Because I couldn't handle losing you," he mumbled, not looking Kaidan in the eye.

Back on Virmire, standing up on that platform with Tali and Garrus on either side. Stopping dead in his tracks as he heard Kaidan and Ash over the comms. Both of them needed assistance. Both couldn't last much longer. He couldn't get to Ash before the bomb went off; he couldn't get to Kaidan before Ash's position was overwhelmed. For a split second, he'd hesitated. Thought to himself, _maybe I can save both of them, there might still be time._ But he knew that wasn't true. He'd had to choose.

The choice itself had been simple. Easy. That split second of hesitation was soon followed by pounding footfalls as he yelled over the comm for Kaidan to hold position, turning to go back for him. For him, there was no choice. That was probably what hurt the most. His more selfish reasons invalidated any selfless or logical ones he could've given. Which, he could give them, if he wanted. He had a list in his head. Years of having to live with himself and justify his own actions kind of had that effect.

It had been simple, and it was still simple. He couldn't lose Kaidan. He was a selfish bastard who let his own preferences dictate his command decisions.

"Zach, look at me," Kaidan said. Firm, but low and quiet.

Shepard looked. He expected disdain, anger, hurt. What he saw instead was warm brown eyes staring back at him, gentle and forgiving. Understanding. Maybe even relieved.

Kaidan offered him a small smile. "Was that so hard to say?"

_Yes._ He shrugged in answer. Kaidan regarded him thoughtfully, head tilting just slightly; Shepard felt warmth creeping into his features and looked away. What was _with_ that look?

Strong hands cupped Shepard's face, startling him as they pulled him down and forced him to bend a little. Then, his mind went completely blank as Kaidan's lips met his own.

Holy shit, **what**?

Kaidan was holding himself back; he kept the kiss itself chaste, even tentative, but the muscles in his hands flexed and shifted like he wanted to do _more_. His eyes were shut, his brow was furrowed deeply, and it took a second for Shepard to realize that the reason for that was because it'd been such a shock that Shepard had momentarily shut down, and wasn't responding. Kaidan was probably already starting to regret what he was doing.

Sure enough, before Shepard even _could_ reciprocate, the older biotic was hastily pulling away, settling back onto his feet (he'd been standing on tiptoe to make up for the height difference) and quickly shaking his head. Not meeting Shepard's wide-eyed, startled gaze. "Shit, no, uh, just forget I, uhm. _Fuck_. Sorry." He was babbling, nervous. "Just, nevermind."

_Yeah, no, fuck that._ Shepard brought his gauntleted hand up to the back of Kaidan's neck (feeling the amp port through the material of his gloves underneath his fingertips, noting the way Kaidan shivered), and urged the man wordlessly to tilt his head up while Shepard himself bent down to steal a kiss of his own.

There was nothing sweet or restrained about it the second time. Kaidan was quick to get over the initial shock, and his fingers curled against the hard material of Shepard's chestplate as they explored each others' mouths. It had been years since Shepard had kissed anyone - or had anyone kiss _him_ , for that matter - but he wasn't exactly _new_ to it, either. Neither was Kaidan, though, and the older man smirked when he was able to pull a quiet, muffled sound from Shepard's throat.

Kaidan's arms came up around Shepard's neck to tug him further down, while Shepard's free hand found its way to the curve of the Major's back to pull closer and further up. When they ground together, both of them groaned, although Shepard did so with a little less restraint, and that made Kaidan grin wickedly.

"Damn, Shepard," he murmured. His voice was low and rough, but the sound was enough to remind Shepard that they were _still standing in the damn airlock._

Shepard could only smirk at the countless breaches in protocol. "Y'know, Joker can probably see this," he said.

Right on cue, the intercom crackled to life. "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just making sure you guys don't, like, shoot each other, orrr I dunno, maybe you'd hulk out and Biotic Smash my ship's airlock or something," Joker said cheerfully. It was hard to tell, but Shepard could've sworn that he heard muted giggling in the background.

Kaidan got a bland look, pulling back just a little. "I'm gonna kill him. Can I kill him?"

"No killing the cripple, Alenko."

"The cripple would like you to know that _he heard that_ ," Joker noted.

Shepard smirked. "That was the point."

Liara chimed in next. "I had wondered if I was going to have to use my connections to force you two together somehow," she said.

At that, Kaidan looked puzzled. "That's kinda weird, Liara." Shepard snickered and leaned his forehead against the older biotic's. It _was_ weird, but Liara had never exactly understood human social norms to begin with, and it had only gotten more pronounced when she'd become the Shadow Broker, so Shepard let it slide. He'd talk to her about it later.

Liara huffed. "What's _weird_ is how dense the both of you were being," she protested.

Kaidan just shook his head; it seemed he had decided to ignore her for the time being. Which was pretty much what Shepard was doing anyway. He fully expected to be blackmailed later anyway, since Joker had almost definitely recorded the entire, uh, exchange. He'd probably be threatened with the idea of it being handed over to their ship's pet war reporter or something.

Whatever. It was worth it. He smiled to himself, and went in for another kiss, but Kaidan stopped him by drawing away and quickly putting a hand over his mouth. He made a questioning noise, blinking at the older biotic, only to see Kaidan shake his head again.

"Let's... not give them any more of a show, alright?" Kaidan said. Insisted. He'd turned an interesting shade of pink that was downright adorable. Shepard tried to pout about being denied but received another of those blandly annoyed looks in return, and Kaidan didn't lower his hand until Shepard had (reluctantly) let him go and straightened back out again.

Kaidan let out a breath, tugging at his shirt to fix it and running a hand through his hair quickly as he collected himself. Shepard waited quietly, trying not to fidget with his gauntlets. A part of him wanted to drag Kaidan inside and back to his quarters - they'd already been caught, so the rumors couldn't get too much _worse_ \- but he had a distinct feeling that doing something like that would most definitely fall into the category of _moving too fast_ , so he decided not to indulge in that particular fantasy.

_Yet_. Maybe Kaidan would agree to it later. _No, bad Zach. Stop thinking about throwing your fellow Spectre against the bed and having your way with him. Stop it. Those are highly inappropriate thoughts to be having. Even the one where you rip off his clothes with your biotics. **Especially** the one where you rip off his clothes with your biotics._

"Y'know," Kaidan began, jerking Shepard out of his own (horrible, filthy, highly inappropriate, hadn't done _that_ since back on Arcturus Station) thoughts. "I, uh. I got an offer from Hackett. A teaching position."

For a moment, Shepard's heart sank. Kaidan must have been able to tell from his fellow Spectre's expression.

"...but, I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the _Normandy_ again," he finished, with a little smirk that only grew wider as Shepard couldn't help but perk up.

"You're always welcome on the _Normandy_ , Kaidan," Shepard said. He was grinning like an idiot, but he didn't care. It was probably silly, but he felt just a little bit giddy. Kaidan was coming back. And they'd made out in the airlock. The first two human Spectres, back on missions together, _and also making out in places where they probably shouldn't._ Yes, he was way too happy about the implications of that. Because it meant Kaidan was one hundred percent okay with other people seeing. Which meant Kaidan probably didn't have too many reservations about _being with him_. Holy shit.

He must have been projecting some of what he was thinking, because Kaidan looked _way_ too amused. "Then, permission to come aboard, Commander?"

_Always._ "Permission granted, Major," Shepard answered. And the intercom erupted into applause and cheers.

Seriously, just how many people had Joker roped into his little peanut gallery?


	6. smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of one thing is the beginning of another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA *wheeze* AHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahhaaa
> 
> I fiiiiiiiiniiiiiiished. 8D

After the little... _incident_ in the airlock, Shepard had gone straight to his quarters to yank off all his armor and take a very cold shower. He had to laugh to himself at how familiar that particular course of action - retreating to his quarters to either wait for it to go away, or have a nice romantic evening with his right hand if it didn't - had become for him over the past few years, and how, after Joker's stunt, the crew would start to get ideas as to why. Ideas that weren't completely wrong. A couple times on the old _Normandy_ where privacy had been at a premium, then after Horizon, then a couple of times while Kaidan was in the hospital, and hadn't _that_ been weird (he was sure there was an ancient hand-animated vid series that had once played out a similarly awkward scenario with a love interest in the hospital, but without the protagonist getting to somewhere private beforehand; if he remembered right, the vid series in question had involved giant robots).

Also, after his run-in with Morinth, but he didn't really think that counted. Mind-sucking space succubi practically came with their own disclaimer about awkward telepathy-induced erections. Actually, asari in general did, at least when they did that mind meld thing. At least in Morinth's case, he'd been wearing clothes, and not uncomfortably tight armor over a body-suit. Which had been what he'd been wearing fifteen minutes prior when Kaidan had done that little _shiver_ as Shepard's fingers had found his amp port-- _no._ Bad Zach.

Think of horrible things. Think of Wrex. Think of Zaeed-- no, bad idea, Zaeed has that voice going for him and those scars are pretty-- damnit! No. Think of the old Shadow Broker, that Yahg thing. Okay good that worked, now let's not ever think of that Yahg thing again.

He felt like he was back at Arcturus. No, back on Mindoir. Young and stupid and up for anything with anyone. Except not _anyone_. Not anymore. Since he'd first boarded the _Normandy_ , N7 emblem standing out proudly from the dark grey of his armor, there had really only been one person in his occasional fantasies.

Honestly, he'd known he was screwed when the fantasies had went and gotten all ordinary and domestic. Knew he was in way over his head when he'd started daydreaming about spending those chilly Vancouver days in confinement with a pile of blankets, a mug of hot chocolate, and a warm body curled under his arm. One person's warm body in particular. Who had _hated_ him at the time.

His shower was slightly too narrow for someone with a frame like his to move in all that much, but there was still just enough room - and the shower head was just high enough up - for him to lean against the wall and let the cold water wash over his heated skin. It helped calm him down, even as it was a little bit of a shock to his exhausted system. He hadn't looked in the mirror, but the day's ups and downs had probably only stressed his implants more, so he wouldn't be surprised if he looked a bit like some kind of weird creepy-ass cyborg by that point.

"I need a break," he said out loud to himself, a little amazed at how his voice sounded to his own ears; was he really that worn out? He hadn't thought he was, but... Okay yeah, no, he needed to stop kidding himself because yes of _course_ he fucking was. Had been for a while. That breakdown at the hospital was far from being an isolated incident, it had just been the only time that such a thing hadn't been private. Kept only to himself, then locked away so that no one else would see it.

He'd ask himself what was so different about Kaidan that he'd felt like he could trust the older biotic with seeing that, but the answer to that one was pretty obvious, too.

It occurred to him as he turned off the water and stepped out, cold water forming a shallow puddle at his feet on the nonskid, that he had just taken his _second_ shower that day. Damn. Time sure flew when the galaxy was going to hell, huh?

He didn't bother to head down to the mess to get dinner, finding himself too tired and wrung out to care. All he allowed himself was one last glance at his messages before he fell into bed, still somewhat damp from his shower as he buried himself in the thin sheets. His last random thought of the night before drifting off was of how weird it was that the bed managed to feel too big for just him when his feet tended to dangle off the end of it.

\---

 _I cannot rest from travel; I will drink Life to the lees. All times I have enjoyed greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those that loved me, and alone... For always roaming with a hungry heart; much I have seen and known - cities of men, and manners; councils, climates, governments_...

\---

"Commander! You okay up there?"

Shepard jerked awake, feeling like he'd just been sprinting for two klicks without stopping. His breathing was ragged, he was sweating, and his skin was tingling with--

 _Shit._ His biotics. As he took stock of his surroundings, he got a good look at just _why_ he didn't go to sleep with his amp in. It was no wonder his alarm hadn't gone off, as he seemed to have chucked it at his fish tank (which was thankfully devoid of any actual fish) at some point. So naturally there was broken glass and water and fishtank decoration everywhere. His couch was upside-down, too, with a cushion having ended up on top of his wardrobe, and a table lamp had smashed its way through his nice little model ship display.

Damn it, he'd spent a lot of time on getting the _Destiny Ascension_ right, too.

"Seriously, Shepard, don't make me come up there, man. 'Cause I will. I'll even get Chakwas to yell at you, 'cause, y'know, she's good at that. Or at least she's good at _frowning_ really hard like she's your mom and she's disappointed as hell because you _tore up your room with biotics_. Maybe get Kaidan in on it too. The disapproving frowning, I mean, he's good at that." Joker paused, very briefly, before continuing with very thinly-veiled concern. "...Shepard. _Commander_. Talk to me, c'mon, EDI was showing me your vitals and you're kinda freakin' me out--"

"I'm fine, Joker," Shepard croaked. "Just... I'm fine."

"Right, because tearing apart your room with your biotics is _totally_ normal." Joker was disbelieving. "But hey, at least you're talking. Better than panicking."

Shepard carefully got out of bed and made his way over to his wardrobe, mindful of the broken glass. Not that he couldn't handle it, but, it'd be one hell of an inconvenience. He probably wasn't going to bother with showering or shaving. "What time is it?"

"Nine forty-eight Citadel standard time."

He blinked, pausing in the middle of pulling on a shirt (plain black with an Alliance pattern, and fitted; pretty standard). "And my alarm didn't go off?"

"Your alarm is in the fishtank, Commander. Somehow I don't think it was ever, y'know, waterproofed."

Good point. "Well then. EDI, why no wake-up call?"

EDI's calm synthesized voice filtered in over his room's intercom. "Major Alenko requested that I let you sleep in."

"... _What?_ "

"He sent you a message approximately two hours and forty-nine minutes ago. When I asked if I should notify you of this, he said that yesterday had been a rough day, and that I should let you wake on your own time."

That was... really kinda sweet of Kaidan to do that, actually. Pointless, but sweet. Shepard was secretly glad that no one was in his room just then to see him blushing, as he took a pair of pants and some dry socks from his wardrobe - as well as his boots - and went back to his bed to try and maneuver everything on without ending up with wet socks in the process. "And you listened to him, _why_ , exactly?"

"Though you are still the _Normandy_ 's commanding officer, Kaidan Alenko is the highest ranking Alliance officer on board. At the time, his request overrode my previous instructions."

Of course it did. Trust an AI to be so stupidly logical about things. "Thanks, EDI."

"Of course, Shepard," she said simply; he couldn't tell whether she'd gotten the sarcasm or not. "Would you like me to send a clean-up crew to the Loft for you?"

He hesitated. On the one hand, it was his space and his responsibility. On the other, he was the Commander, they were docked at the Citadel, and cleaning up _this_ mess would be ass. Might as well. "Please." He'd be leaving it anyway; they had another day before they'd be disembarking from the Citadel. And apparently, he had a message to read.

\---

Holy shit. A date. A date with Kaidan.

He read the message a few times over, just to be sure he'd understood, and, _yes_. That was exactly what was being described there, definitely. Steak and beer on the Presidium. Shepard had exactly _zero_ complaints about that.

He looked up from his console over at Samantha, who looked a little bored as she flipped through her own messages. "Hey, Samantha..."

Samantha blinked, glancing up from her multiple extranet windows. "Hm? Yes, Commander?"

"Casual, or dress blues for lunch on the Presidium?" he asked. Because, well, she was a woman, and women knew these things. Also she seemed to have a little harmless flirty thing going on with Diana Allers, which implied that her experience with dating was, if not more extensive, then at least more _recent._

"Erm..." Samantha straightened out, looking a bit confused. "Y'mean like if one were to go on a date?"

"Yes, for a date."

"We~eeelllll... If it were _me_ , I'd wear something casual, but nice. Not nice as in fancy, mind you, just. _Nice._ No weird stains, not too out-there, but not too much... y'know. None of that 'I just got out of bed after getting absolutely dog-buggered the night before' pyjamas look."

Shepard looked down at himself, then back at Samantha with a raised eyebrow. Hoodie, basic-but-still-within-uniform shirt, uniform pants, uniform boots. He hadn't looked in the mirror before coming down to the CIC, but he wouldn't be surprised if he _did_ look hungover.

Samantha rolled her eyes and tugged Shepard over by his sleeves. "Oh, come _here_ , you," she said as she started, well. He didn't quite get what she was doing.

Fixing him? Maybe that was the right way to describe it. She reached up and yanked off his hoodie, then took the sleeves and used them to tie the thing around his waist. After that she straightened out his shirt, stood on tiptoe to at least _try_ to make his short-cropped hair a little neater, and then she stepped back a ways to look him over, arms folded as she admired her handiwork.

Apparently satisfied, she turned back to her terminal and resumed whatever-the-hell it was she was doing with her multiple extranet windows. "You could use a shave, too. You're a bit scruffy. But you're on your own with _that_ ," she advised.

He was confused for a second. But that was quickly followed by this weirdly older-brother-like urge to hug her. Which he didn't indulge in. He'd probably break something. "Specialist Traynor, I love you," he said instead.

She snort-giggled and made a shooing motion. "You idiot. Go, go on your _date_ or whatever. The ship will still be here when you get back."

Pfff. He'd heard that before. "Don't jinx it."

\---

The moment he saw Kaidan as he strolled onto the Presidium, the older biotic leaned back lazily in a chair as he looked out at the still-battered-from-the-attack scenery while holding a datapad loosely in one hand, Shepard knew two things. One, that Kaidan looked absolutely _amazing_ , even in just a standard uniform that bore the standard wear patterns of repeated folding, ironing, and laundering. And two, that he was going to flub this "date" thing _so hard_.

Give Shepard a crowd, and he could play them like a piano. Give him a general, a politician, and a hardass career merc, and he could have all three of them sitting down together at the same table for peace talks by dinnertime. He knew people, and he knew that what had once been called _human_ nature wasn't just restricted to humanity; he didn't need to be a shrink to understand how people tended to work.

But Kaidan... Kaidan wasn't _people_. Shepard could go over the facts he knew all he wanted (Kaidan was a biotic with L2 implants, he had foregone any further training as a biotic after BaAT in favor of learning his way around tech and field medicine, he was born on Earth) or even make a mental list of the things he'd learned about the man personally (Kaidan was curious, he was reserved, he kept a level head except when he _didn't_ and then he was a force of nature, he always tried to do the right thing by people, he had a dry sense of humor and a sharp tongue) but none of that made it any less terrifying that this was a _date_ and that he hadn't been on one of those in years and Kaidan was the one person he didn't want to let down.

 _Alright, Shepard, just breathe. You'll be fine. You've already established that he's into you, the rest should be easy._ Should be. But Kaidan was not some prettyboy on Arcturus whose dad was a general, nor was he a cute young Asari curious about male human anatomy, or any of the other various flings Shepard had when he was young (and stupid). He wanted to do this right, damnit.

So it was with some reluctance that he finally took a deep breath, put on what he hoped was his best nonchalant look, and strolled out from behind the wall he'd been trying to conceal himself with.

And promptly tripped over a chair with an undignified squawk, smacking his elbow on a table on the way down and only _barely_ catching himself before he faceplanted the ground.

 _Zach Shepard, you fail at being a human being_.

Kaidan, who had seen _all of that_ , blinked owlishly at him for a second before trying and failing to stifle a snort of laughter.

"Don't," Shepard warned, picking himself up and rubbing at his elbow. No, he wasn't pouting. Commander Zach Motherfucking Shepard did not pout.

The older biotic grinned, doing a lousy job of looking innocent. "Did I say anything?"

"You were _about_ to." _Nice one, Shepard._ "I'm not late, am I?"

"Nope. Little early, actually." Kaidan set the datapad down, resting an elbow on either arm of his chair and swinging one leg over the other while Shepard picked up the chair he'd tripped over and dragged it to the Major's table so he'd have a seat of his own.

No, he didn't sit in his chair backwards. It'd be awkward in a chair with armrests. "You messaged me early," Shepard pointed out.

"And then I told EDI to let you sleep in." Kaidan gave an admonishing look. "Coulda warned me about her, by the way. Scared the crap outta me when I saw her in the hall."

"Sleeping till almost ten hundred _is_ sleeping in, Kaidan." And, right, the robot body. Shit. Shepard had forgotten about that; he'd just kind of gotten used to it.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Most people call it _sleeping in_ if it's till about noon. I expected you to at least be out until about eleven."

Shepard rubbed at the back of his neck. "Maybe I would've."

"But?"

"...but I left my amp in."

" _Ah_." Well. Apparently Kaidan knew a thing or two about that. "I tend to take mine out whenever I'm not in combat. I guess the L2 feedback provides some greater incentive to remember that, though, huh?"

Likely Shepard was just that much more paranoid about having a means to defend himself even when unarmed. "You are a much more trusting man than I."

Kaidan chuckled. "Me? More trusting? I find that hard to believe."

"Trusting that the universe won't find some way to drag you into a combat situation whether you like it or not."

Kaidan could've turned that into a discussion about Shepard's issues, like an impromptu therapy session; for a moment it even seemed like he might.

But then he didn't. "Well, maybe I'm just not good enough for the universe to be out to get me," he said, smirking a little. So confidently, calmly. Like it was easy for him to come up with things like that to say, things that diffused Shepard's sour moods and chased away his negative thoughts. Picking up the datapad, the man settled back into his chair to scroll through its contents.

And Shepard was thankful for that.

"Surprised this place still has the supplies for a menu like this," Kaidan remarked, breaking the silence.

"I'm not about to ask them where they get it from. I know the Matriarch in charge." Though Shepard wasn't exactly sure where said Matriarch had gotten off to. Probably back to Thessia or something. Or maybe Illium.

Kaidan laughed, shook his head. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Then his expression got a little softer, a little more thoughtful. More sincere, as he looked at the datapad without really _looking_ at it. "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."

Couldn't they all. Shepard nodded as he leaned back in his chair, scooting forward in it. He felt a little big for it, like it was made for Asari proportions, with their shorter average heights and shorter legs (so basically how he felt in your average _human_ chair, really).

Then Kaidan leaned forward in his seat, a little thoughtful knot in his brow. Looking almost hesitant. "Y'know... my life flashed before my eyes on Mars," he said slowly, "--and I realized that there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."

Shit. The way Kaidan's voice cracked a little in that last part was just... _agh_ , Shepard couldn't take it. Was Kaidan just as nervous as he was about all of this? "There never are," he agreed. But he was _watching_. Trying to figure out what was going through the older biotic's head.

Under Shepard's scrutiny, Kaidan averted his eyes, staring instead at the table. "I mean," he continued, "you and I, we've known each other for a long time, Zach. Have you ever known me to be with anyone?"

No, he hadn't. Even Ash's crush on Kaidan had been pretty obviously one-sided, although Shepard hadn't questioned why at the time. At one point he'd thought that maybe Kaidan was just into Asari - a few offhand remarks about extranet fetish sites, club dancers, and Liara being cute had prompted that line of thought - but since the other biotic hadn't made any real moves in that direction, Shepard had dismissed that idea.

Either way, the question seemed rhetorical; Kaidan didn't seem interested in a response as he quickly continued. "Maybe I'm choosy, or patient, or... I dunno," he said. "Maybe what I want - what I've never _found_ \- is something deeper with someone I already... care about." At the last bit, Kaidan bowed his head and frowned at his hands. He was nervous, embarassed, and he just seemed so _vulnerable_ in a way that Shepard didn't think he'd ever seen before.

Kaidan was trusting him. Trusting that Shepard would get what he was saying. Trusting that the kiss yesterday had been more than just a fleeting thing, trusting that Shepard's admission about Virmire meant that this thing between them went both ways and implied that they were more than just the good friends they'd always tried to be for each other.

Shepard smiled. He couldn't very well break that trust, could he?

He sat up and leaned in towards the table, taking one of Kaidan's hands (small compared to his - he'd never get over that - but so strong, so steady) in his own. Picking it up, bending down to kiss it gently, while Kaidan stared like he couldn't believe what was happening.

"Shepard--"

"I'd _love_ that, Kaidan." Shepard loosened his grip enough for Kaidan to pull his hand back if he liked; Kaidan did not pull his hand back."If you're saying what I think you're saying. If you'll have me."

"I-- well, _yeah_." Kaidan let out a slightly nervous laugh. "But c'mon. You almost got knocked on your ass by a _chair_ on the way down, so why is it that now you're making _me_ feel like the awkward dork?"

"To be totally honest, that was probably the extent of my charm right there. From here on in I'll be using a crowbar to get my foot out of my mouth every time I say something." Letting go of Kaidan's hand, Shepard flopped back in his chair lazily, leaning it back probably a bit further than it was meant to be tipped as he put his feet up on the table and tucked his hands behind his head with a doofy grin.

It was meant to make Kaidan smile and relax a little, and it did. Even got him to chuckle as he picked the datapad back up. "Yeah, okay. Well, now you owe me lunch to make up for the, ah, inevitable horror of my face showing up in the tabloids because of that."

Sounded fine to Shepard. He hadn't eaten since the day before (because he was an idiot like that). "Sounds great, I'm starving. You said they had steak?"

What had Kaidan called it-- a sanity check? Yeah. He could do with something like that.

 


End file.
